I have spent most of this week trying to forget that America has fallen to such a sorry state that a despicable douche like Ted Cruz could be considered a serious presidential candidate—all to no avail. Trying to forget about Ted Cruz is like trying to forget that your sewer line has plugged, sewage is backing up into your basement, and your whole house smells like ... well, it's just hard to forget, let's leave it at that.
So yesterday, I took a new approach. I asked Okay, Bill, is this despicable douche so different from other despicable douches who have run for president in America's past? and I immediately felt better—somewhat. Truly, America's history is full of despicable douches who ran for the presidency—some of whom actually won. Andrew Jackson, for instance. Ol'"Twenty-Dollar-Bill" Andy, we call him—and by the way, I heartily support replacing his mug with anyone, male or female, who didn't perpetrate mass murder and genocide. (reference: "Trail of Tears-1831")
Aaron Burr ... now there's a despicable douche who ran for president as far back as 1800. He didn't win, but at the time, he was a far more viable candidate than anyone the modern Republican Party has offered up recently. He actually tied with Thomas Jefferson, and without the intervention of Alexander Hamilton, he might have been our third president. (reference: "U.S. Treasury Secretary killed in duel by U.S. Vice President.")
I admit, the GOP doesn't have a monopoly on despicable douches running for president. However, there does seem to be a heavy concentration, especially in the 20th Century, of despicable douche presidential candidates from the southern states. Strom Thurmond and George Wallace, both Democrats who ran as independents, were as douchey and despicable as a presidential contender can get, both running—1948 and 1968, respectively—on a platform to keep African-Americans in a perpetual hell of segregation.
While I don't consider Barry Goldwater a despicable douche, we have to concede he blazed the trail for dozens of despicable douches in the years since his run (1964). Richard Nixon, say. And Pat Buchanan. And of course, Ronald Reagan.
But it is in recent years that it has become a prerequisite for candidates of one whole political party to be despicable douches. Seriously, where would the Republican Party be today if it weren't for Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Huckabee,…
So yesterday, I took a new approach. I asked Okay, Bill, is this despicable douche so different from other despicable douches who have run for president in America's past? and I immediately felt better—somewhat. Truly, America's history is full of despicable douches who ran for the presidency—some of whom actually won. Andrew Jackson, for instance. Ol'"Twenty-Dollar-Bill" Andy, we call him—and by the way, I heartily support replacing his mug with anyone, male or female, who didn't perpetrate mass murder and genocide. (reference: "Trail of Tears-1831")
Aaron Burr ... now there's a despicable douche who ran for president as far back as 1800. He didn't win, but at the time, he was a far more viable candidate than anyone the modern Republican Party has offered up recently. He actually tied with Thomas Jefferson, and without the intervention of Alexander Hamilton, he might have been our third president. (reference: "U.S. Treasury Secretary killed in duel by U.S. Vice President.")
I admit, the GOP doesn't have a monopoly on despicable douches running for president. However, there does seem to be a heavy concentration, especially in the 20th Century, of despicable douche presidential candidates from the southern states. Strom Thurmond and George Wallace, both Democrats who ran as independents, were as douchey and despicable as a presidential contender can get, both running—1948 and 1968, respectively—on a platform to keep African-Americans in a perpetual hell of segregation.
While I don't consider Barry Goldwater a despicable douche, we have to concede he blazed the trail for dozens of despicable douches in the years since his run (1964). Richard Nixon, say. And Pat Buchanan. And of course, Ronald Reagan.
But it is in recent years that it has become a prerequisite for candidates of one whole political party to be despicable douches. Seriously, where would the Republican Party be today if it weren't for Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Huckabee,…